CUS Y1: Story Posts

Intro

You basically have no skills, but some wizard picked you for this? Weird choice but okay. I’m your narrator, by the way.

Welcome to your journey to save the kingdom. There’s books falling on citizens and no one knows why, but we may all be buried in books soon. It’s up to you to make it stop.

Let me give you more backstory here, I know you just woke up. Get some coffee. Or tea, or whatever. Just wake up, stop yawning. It’s the kingdom of Shelfla, you live here as a peasant. Books are falling on everyone, and we’re pretty sure it’s this witch on the mountains fault. idk, the wizard told you that. I don’t trust men with long beards but apparently you do.

Quest One: Your journey begins

You were ransacked on your first night. They stole all your books, except the one hidden in your pocket.

Read your shortest book.

Quest Two: You need supplies, duh.

Time to sell your belongings to get some healing potions and food, what's been sitting in your bag the longest? (it’s probably rotten now anyway)

Read the book that’s been on your shelf the longest.

Quest Three: You can’t go alone.

I mean, I guess you could. Weirdo. Find your new family… I mean crew, for the adventure. Choose wisely.

Read a book about a group of people – heist, found family, or otherwise.

Quest Four: You’re probably already late.

You get told to save the kingdom and you’re still in town? Pack it up, it’s time to get going. Does El have the horses? Who has the horses?

Read a book with an animal in it.

Quest Five: There's An Ogre Blocking Your Path!

That's kind of rude. Who does this guy even work for? What the heck? He's kind of intimidating but you're pretty sure you have a potion for this.

Read a book that's been intimidating you.

Quest Six: First night camping, fun

Theresa telling spooky stories by the campfire, roasting marshmallows, hoping the witch doesn’t find you and kill you… good times. Good times. Not scary at all. Nope. Don’t look at that shadow.

Read a scary book.

Quest Seven: Aw shit, it’s a mini boss battle

You came across a nest of faeries. They said they work for a magical mob boss, probably Hubert Collins, and they were sent to take care of you. The worst part? These faeries know your fatal flaw, and plan to use it against you (did you really think that was just for funsies? They paid me really well for that information)

If you’re always break your book buying ban:

Read a book you bought based on a loophole you made up. I know you have one. You aren’t fooling me, or the faeries. Fail this task and they may eat your hands.

If you’re pre-orders don’t count:

Then read a pre order, even though they totally count. If you fail this task, the faeries will curse you to never get them on release day. They probably run Amazon.

If you’re buy a whole series before reading the first book:

Read a first book or sequel that you’ve been putting off. If you fail this task, the faeries will spoil the ending for all the series you’re currently reading. They’re kind of rowdy.

If you’re read a new book before books you own:

Read a book you purchased this year, preferably the oldest. If you don’t, the faeries will make all your purchasing sites not work.

If you’re Buy books instead of go to therapy:

Read a book you know is going to be an emotional rollercoaster, enjoy the ride baby! Fail this task and the faeries may kidnap you and give you nightmares about your books on fire. They call it exposure therapy, I am reaaally not sure who taught them that.

If you’re Oh… you didn’t like my options?:

What I offered wasn’t good enough for you? I see. Interesting

Read your least anticipated book.

If you’re run away and hide

Bruh. Close your eyes so the faeries can’t see you and pick a book at random- this way you also can’t see the rest of your group possibly get eaten.

Quest Eight: You Lived?

Oh my gosh you beat the faeries that was amazing. I mean, now I owe my bookie money since I did NOT bet on you but good job! Take a break and camp here, you’ve still got a long journey ahead of you. (I really did not think you would survive now I have to keep narrating? I need a raise.)

Free book space

Quest 10: Supplies are expensive?*

Yeah so with the local issue of falling books, taxes have gotten super expensive. Sorry about it. You don’t have enough money to make it to the next part of your journey unless you sell your most expensive book. It was heavy, anyway. Loser.

Read your most expensive book

*note, there is a typo here, and this would have been quest 9. This was an error in 2020, and will not be fixed now.

Quest 11: We’re off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of… I mean witch.

Hey, your horses, they’re gone now. You’re welcome. Enjoy walking, enjoy the nature. I know your feet hurt, but maybe Alex can give you a piggie back ride. He probably won’t, but it would be nice right. Isn’t nature so NICE? Nothing to worry about here.

Read a book with a pretty book cover.

Quest 12: A Witch Approaches (Side quest)

While you survived the fight and the journey, you didn’t get out unscathed (look at your weapon options. C’mon). So you head into the weird hut to get supplies. Upon entering the potion shop, you spot a witch! Is it THE witch? Who knows, I’ve never seen her. She asked you to get her special magical book… but it has nothing to do with the main quest, do you accept?

Quest 12: A Witch Approaches (Side quest)

Oh you… don’t want to help the witch? But you’re just going to steal the book? Don’t you have enough books? Doesn’t this seem like a bad idea? I mean… I know you’re all idiots but are you that stupid?

Read a magical book… weirdos

Quest 13: Hope you know how to swim.

That is a CRAZY river, who knew that was there? Would have been nice if someone told you about that ahead of time. Too bad. A Shame. Anyway, how are you gonna get over it? Are you gonna swim? Surf on a book? Ask the feather people to figure out if it’s magical or not?

Read a water themed book or a book with a blue cover

Quest 14: The wizard approaches

Oh hey boss. Look at how many of your volunteers have survived. Are you gonna help them out? Get them a map? New weapons? Pay me more to be more helpful and not sell them out to memory stealing elves? No? Okay cool. I told you guys not to trust an old guy with a beard and money. By the way, the wizard is cutting your pay.

Read a book with a character you would want to fight (like the wizard)

Quest 15: Friends suck sometimes.

That’s why I don’t have any. Sammie is insisting you all read this book she recommended? On your rest night? Personally I would fight someone fort hat but, you guys don’t really have the skills required for it.

Read a book someone bought or recommended you.

Quest 16: Elves?

These elves found you (weird) and they want to steal all your stuff. Of course, you don’t let them. So they wipe your memory. Good thing you have me to keep you on track, right? And just for memory’s sake, I did not sell you out tot he elves. Just in case you forgot. It wasn’t me. I’ve never sold you out.

Read a book you forgot about (What it’s about or even the book entirely)

Quest 17: Another Mini Boss Battle?

The elves are back! They talked it over and the way you handled your memory loss was entirely too easy. So it’s time for you to pay fort hat. I told them your top strengths so they could prepare better for battle. I thought that was only fair. Also they paid me and you guys have still yet to pay me so… yeah… good luck!

If you’re a speed reader:

Get your timers out buddy it’s time to read fast. Grab someone to sprint with you, because you’re gonna need help. The elves will leave you alone if you prove your skills but if not, you may day.

Time a reading session or sprint with a friend.

If you’re and audiobook hero:

Some people say that listening to books don’t count, and I say they’re wrong. If you put some headphones on you can’t hear the elves memory wiping shrieks. Better get to listening.

Listen to your most anticipated audiobook.

If you’re a chonker conqueror:

How have you made it this far carrying such heavy books? Is your back okay? Do you need someone to help you because like… damn dude. Anyway, better whip out your heaviest book because you’re gonna need to smack some elves.

Read your heaviest book.

If you’re a TBR champion:

Hey stop looking at your lists for an answer, you know there isn’t one in there. A TBR is not going to save you now, idiot. Time to get to work and find that spell you keep avoiding learning.

Read a book you kept putting off.

If you’re and ebook acolyte:

Wifi still works out here? That’s crazy. It’ll probably freak the elves out too. Download a book and convince them you have magic powers, go go go!

Read your most anticipated ebook.

If you’re… scared…:

GOD you made it this far and you’re still scared of a little fight? How are you gonna fight the witch? Get it TOGETHER. UGH. Fine. Just like with the faeries, just close your eyes. Pretend nothing is happening.

Close your eyes and pick a book at random.

If you’re… oh. Another one of these. So you didn’t like my strength options?:

Bad choice. I hope the elves don’t kill you, or maybe they will. Hope you finish this book in time to find out.

Read your longest book. Yep.

Quest 18: Ugh. You survived again?

I was really hoping all of you would die so I could take my pay and go, but like, whatever. Congrats. Read whatever you want, or read nothing. Now ist he time to camp. Chris set up the tents so enjoy I guess. Looks like the elves left a map behind too.

Free book space

Quest 19: The wizard… again?

The wizard apporaches you, and speaks wise words. „You’re completing this entirely to easily.“ He then steals your map. What’s with this guy? You literally just found a map. He told me to narrate this part but even I think it’s kinda sus.

Read a book with a map in it.

Quest 20: Tavern Rest

You go to a tavern to rest and are approached by an old man. He gives you some advice, letting you know that the witches castle is up on a hill- you’re actually really close. This may just be your last stop.

Read your oldest book by publication date

Quest 21: The witches Castle

You have arrived in the castle only to find… what looks like a frazzled librarian. This ist he witch. As you stare at her in confusion, she lets you know what is really going on. „Everyone had so many reservations and pre orders, that I asked the wizard for help… but he gave me the wrong spell and now books won’t stop falling!“

Read a pre-order or library reservation.

Quest 22: Mirror, Mirror

The wizard bursts through a mirror, very angry that you took the time to listen to the witch instead of just killing her. He grabs her, and lets you know you won’t be getting paid. And neither will I. HEY WAIT WHAT? EXCUSE ME?

Read a book with a shiny cover or a magical object in it.

Quest 23: No one takes my payment.

Alright peasants, this is personal now. If I’m not getting paid then we gotta get that witch back. It’s time to prepare for the final boss battle, and I will not the letting the wizard get away without paying me… er… with his crimes…

Free book space

Quest 24: Final Boss Battle

Here we go peasants… I mean heroes. It’s time to rescue the witch from that paycheck swindling wizard and get your kingdom back. You better not die, I have to take that guy to claims court and I need witnesses. I already regret the weapons options I gave all of you.

Painted Stick Guild

I know pretty paint is distracting but I need you to start hitting the heck out of the wizard with them. I think brute force is the best course of action for this. Stop getting distracted by the paint, damn it!

Read a book you bought just for the cover

Teeth Guild

You guys genuinely scare me, and how every you decide to use these teeth is up to you. It’s distracting. This prompt feels like a repeat I just can’t stop thinking about where the hell you guys got so many teeth? Are you okay?

Read a book you don’t remember buying

Carl Guild

Did… all of you name your rocks Carl? Okay. Well. It’s time to start using those rocks. Partner with the stick guild, sticks and stones may break a broke ass wizards bones. Found family with your partner guild and get ‘em!

Read a book with comfort energy.

Magical Book Guild

The more you read the more books get cleaned up in the kingdom. That’s the magic. I know, SURPRISE right? Whose shocked. You guys weren’t even supposed tob e getting more books so… yeah.

Read a book off your TBR and a magical book. Yes, two books.

Sword Guild

A classic (boring) weapon for some classic (boring) people. Get all stabby stabby with it, please don’t cut your fellow heroes. Please. We can’t risk this. I need to get paid.

Read a fantasy book

Magical Feather Guild

I just told you this had powers and you just took my word for it? You’re all idiots. Seriously. Why did you trust me? Now is the only time I’ve been honest with you in all 8 weeks of your journey???

Read a book you bought only because someone told you to.

Run and Hide Guild

I hate you guys. Seriously. This ist he FINAL battle and you’re still too scared? You’ve been doing this for 8 weeks? And you’re still scared? Jesus christ.

Close your eyes and pick a book, wimp.

You picked whatever you wanted.

Yikes. You died. The wizard killed you. All because you couldn’t follow basic instructions. That sucks dude. The only way to be resurrected is…

Read a book you’ve been putting off the longest.

Your Journey ends.

Oh dear. Oh no. You all… died? How am I supposed to get paid now? What am I supposed to do? The wizard escaped and now you’re all dead?? Well… thank you for participating in the first #clearurshitreadathon… I gotta search how to revive dead witnesses for my claims court situation…

XOXO, Narrator