CUS Y2: Story Posts

Quest One:

Sorry, You’re Still Dead

Well, I'm not all that sorry. You got yourselves killed. That's not exactly my fault, or even my problem. Except that it makes things incredibly inconvenient when it comes to suing that damned Wizard in court. He's quite well known, as I'm sure you know by now. I think he thwarted our attempts at reviving your bodies over the summer, but, Ariadne says that's a "conspiracy". I'm going to need all of you to do a bit more research on the dead while we try to sort out our next steps to get you out, and get him sued. And dead, hopefully.

Read a book where someone dies (like you!)

Quest Two:

We Might Be Lost

Listen, this place really freaks me out. On top of it, it's giving me weird de ja vu. I may want to go back to my corporeal form, even if it means dealing with that witch. Anyway, I don't really know where you need to go here. Have you guys found a magical map? Or been here before? Something to help you find your way? 

No?

Of course not.

You're all useless.

Read a book where people go on a journey.

Quest Three:

Who The Hell Is That Flying Weirdo?

He keeps waving at us like he knows me. I hate when that happens. How am I supposed to know who he is? Do you all know who he is? Friends are entirely too much for me, so I couldn't fathom what he would want. 

Should we talk to him?

Read a book a friend (or someone) recommended to you.

Quest Four:

Hermes: God of Lost and Found, And Boundaries

The man who waved at you all (and certainly NOT me) is named Hermes, and he's apparently a god. I've heard gods feel strongly about rules, or something. Imagine what would happen if you didn't read their FAQ. Let's not risk it by spilling that we're getting you all out of here. If he dooms one of you, I'm not helping. 

Goodness, he talks more than Ariadne. Can you tell a god to shut up?

Read a book a lot of people have talked about.

Quest Five:

Excuse Me? What About My Story Telling?

"The Fates didn't indicate this would happen. I think you've lost the plot. Did you forget what we spoke about last time?" 

Hermes is apparently an incredibly bad audience if he's got an issue with my storytelling. They don't call me Narrator because I'm bad at Narrating, that's for sure. And last time we spoke? What kind of drugs does this guy do? 

We haven't lost the plot because we're getting your bodies back and my paycheck. Nothing is going to stop us. Not even someone with questionable footwear.

Read your shortest book.

Quest Six:

Sorry To Interrupt Your Program

From Ariadne:

Hi darlings! You are doing such a great job right now!! Especially my sweetie Narrator, going between the spirit realm and the physical realm! I am so proud of her. You all are heading the right way based on my calculations so just keep following Hermes!!

Narrator, sweetie, your lunch is ready.

From Narrator:

ARIADNE YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE A POP UP ON MY PAGE THIS IS HOW I TELL STORIES ARIADNE YOU GET BACK HERE STOP MAKING POP UPS I HATE THIS I HATE IT HERE DID YOU PUT A FLOWER CROWN ON MY BODY???? I DID NOT AGREE TO THAT! LEAVE MY BODY ALONE I AM TALKING TO THE PEASANTS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Steal a book from someone else's TBR.

Quest Seven:

Nothing In Life Is Free.

And apparently that goes for death too. Did you bring money along for this boat ride with Charon? I have a season pass, so don’t ask for my help. Well, and I don’t really get to go to the afterlife, since I don’t need my corporeal form and all. Those of you who had money, go ahead and get on the boat. For those of you who didn’t…,well, check the next part.

Pay the boatman by reading a book with gold, silver or bronze on the cover.

Side Quest:

Errands? Sure, We Got Those

Well well well, looks like you weren’t prepared once again. Do I have to do everything around here? Well, nothing in life (or death!) is free! Please run an errand for myself or Ariadne, depending on whose team you chose. We will gladly give you a coin to board the boat. Otherwise, your journey ends here, and maybe something will come and eat you, I don’t know. 

Read Ariadne’s comfort read: 

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston

Read Narrator’s comfort read:

They Never Learn by Layne Fargo

Quest Eight:

Please Keep Hand and Feet Inside The Boat.

If any of you knocks someone off the boat by rocking it, I will not be saving you. I’m tired of saving you. It is exhausting keeping you idiots on a journey. I thought we’d be done last year, and here we are, again, me telling you how not to die. Well I mean, you’re already dead. But more dead. Please remove all small objects you may not need before boarding Charon’s boat. Yes, that includes your smallest book.

Read your smallest book.

Quest Nine: 

Hey there, Delilah?

This Charon guy is really odd. There’s so many people down here acting as though they’re fans of my work. That’s completely understandable, I am wonderful. I think you peasants are the only ones who underappreciate me. I’m not just not sure why I’m known in the Afterlife.

“We didn’t expect to see you back here, Delilah.”

Well, that was weird. Do you think Charon is just really into the Plain White Tee’s? Are any of you named Delilah?

Maybe Ariadne knows.

Read a Spooky Book

Quest Ten: 

Dream pet: Now THAT’s a dog.

Look at him, he just really instills fear in you, doesn’t he? I would love a dog like this. Apparently we have to get past him, though. I wonder how much a dog like this costs. Maybe I can convince Ariadne to get me one to play with all of you when we get out, you know? You all look like decent sized dog treats. Do you think he’ll fit on the boat?

Read a book with an animal.

Quest Eleven: BOSS BATTLE

Three heads means better hearing?

Ah, well. I suppose the dog heard me talking about getting you all out. Oh well. I hope you’re ready for your first mini boss battle then. 

Oh...you’re not?

Well, that’s too bad. My notes say that’s what happens next in this story.

MINI BOSS BATTLE: STRENGTHS

If you chose…

• Almost Survivor: Wow, impressive. You get a free book space.

• Recommendation Master: Interesting, but the tables have turned. Let someone else pick a book from your shelves for you to read.

• Night knight: So you...don’t sleep? Weird. Read a book with a dark cover.

• Bargain Hunter: I can’t judge a good deal. Read a secondhand or library book.

• Collection Curator: I bet you bought a book before this readathon. Read the last book you purchased.

Quest Twelve:

Snoozing Dog 

Congratulations. One of you idiots managed to give him a honey cake to knock him out. Wish you had managed to do that to the Wizard, and then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

Anyway.

We don’t know how long Cerberos will be knocked out, so lets try and take a quick break before we head onwards.

Not that you deserve it.

Free book space. 

Quest Thirteen

Onwards We Walk

Well, you all walk. I don’t have to walk. We’re just going to go ahead and bypass judgement here, head straight to Asphodel Meadows. Don’t ask how I managed to do it, someone owes me money, alright? This is the last favor I’m doing for any of you. Also, honestly, none of you have accomplished anything interesting enough to end up anywhere else.

Stay on the path, though, and don’t look too much into things. Like a fantasy, with lots of plot holes.

Read a fantasy

Quest Fourteen

All Alone with My Memory 

These meadows look really weirdly familiar. I could have sworn I’ve never been here before. These flowers especially, have you guys ever seen a flower like this? The colors are so bright.

Anyway, I’m going to ask Ariadne how things are going with your bodies. Don’t do anything stupid.

Read a book with a purple cover.

Quest Fifteen

Get out of my story!

Narrator: Ariadne I am begging you to stop popping into my story.

Ariadne: But Narrator, I’m part of it now! I can help you write it! 

N: No you witch! This is my job! Not your job! Go cast a spell! 

A: Narrator, darling, I think we can both be the star of the story.

N: I’m not even supposed to be in this story. I’m just the narrator.

A: Oh, well do you need a femme main character? I can be your love interest.

N: ARIADNE WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. I DO NOT NEED A LOVE INTEREST.

Read a book with a female or non-binary main character.

Quest Sixteen

NYX: Be you, be daring?

I said don’t be stupid and here you are, attracting an entire goddess to yourselves? At least you got most of the way through the meadows unharmed…

Nyx: I thought we told you never to return.

These losers? I tell them all the time to go away, but they just keep buying books and wanting to help. There’s really no stopping them, I think.

Nyx: Well, watch your step, I suppose.

That’s foreboding.

Read an intimidating book.

Quest Seventeen

Eurynomos: Oh dear.

So, none of you took Nyx’s advice then. Looks like you’ve attracted the attention of Eurynomos. 

Who, you ask? Only a flesh-eating daemon.

At least he leaves the bones behind! Maybe they’re for Cerberus..

WEAKNESS MINI BOSS BATTLE:

If you chose…

• OLD TIMER: Read the book you’ve been “currently reading” the longest 

• PROBLEMATIC PERSEVERER: Read a book you’ve been putting off 

• BARGAIN BIN GREMLIN: Read a book you bought on sale

• PLEASANT SURPRISE: Read a pre-order

• OVERPACKED AND OVERSTUFFED: Read a book that’s too heavy to pack

Quest Eighteen

Survival of the dead.

Impressive! I guess it’s hard to die when you’re already dead, but you really saved yourselves there. Let’s take a break, maybe drink some of the water from this river Lethe,and rest.

Free book space.

Quest Nineteen:

ARIADNE PLEASE!

From Ariadne:

Ariadne here! Don’t drink from the river Lethe! You’ll lose all your memories. I actually think that this might be why everyone knows the Narrator, and she doesn’t know anyone. You’re doing great darlings, and we are so close to getting you home to your bodies. They’re still very fresh.

From Narrator:

HONESTLY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU NOT TO POP INTO MY STORIES IT IS GETTING RIDICULOUS AT THIS POINT, DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW UNPROFESSIONAL THIS IS? IT'S HONESTLY SO UNPROFESSIONAL AND YOU KEEP MAKING ME MUCH ANGRIER THAN I NORMALLY AM, IT'S GETTING ABSURD. CAN'T YOU GO MAKE A FLOWER CROWN OR SOMETHING ELSE, ALSO DON'T WRITE A LOVE INTEREST IN MY STORY. DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S WHY EVERYONE KNOWS ME, WHEN THE FUCK DID I DIE?

Read a book you forgot you owned or don’t remember the details of.

Quest Twenty:

Lets Get Out Of Here.

While Ariadne is doing research on whatever my "memory loss" means, we should head back to the river Styx. I think someone was leading us astray, and we need to get out of here. I'm sure Charon won't mind us borrowing his little boat.

Read a book with water themes.

Quest Twenty-One:

Friends forever?

Alright, we've made it back to Styx. Would you look at that? Our sweet pup Cerberus actually remembered those honey cakes. I think as a group we have just all become a really great team, but that's mostly because of me. I never want to work with any of you ever again. Let's make that very clear. 

Read a book with a Group Cast (more than 3 characters) 

Quest Twenty-Two

Ranting and Raving

Charon does not seem inclined to let us back on his boat. Weird. 

Charon: "You already got two peasants out, and yourself. No one else leaves." 

Got myself out? That's ridiculous, I don't even have a body. And the creators? They don't even count! They share the same brain cell! If anything, they only count as one person. Ah, I've sent Charon on a rant. Better take a break while he does that.

Free Book Space

Quest Twenty-Three

Shining Shimmering Splendid.

Do you see that glimmer across the river? I left during the rant, and Ariadne sent a chalice down. You have to cross the river and drink from the chalice to get back to your bodies. This is the crunch time now. And Ariadne worked hard to make that chalice opulent for you, so you better thank her. Not that I thank her. Or appreciate her. Because I don't like her, obviously. But you should, because it would be rude and I will write you a second death.

Read an opulent book (gilded, sparkly or fancy cover)

Quest Twenty-Four

CHARON: THE FINAL BOSS BATTLE

For someone who acts like they know me, they're quite a terrible old friend. They have to fight you to leave? 

Well, it's a good thing I don't remember speaking to you, because this could be really emotional. Lucky for me, the only emotions I have are disappointment and annoyance. 

Peasants, it's time to fight him, steal his boat, and get to the chalice!

BOSS BATTLE: WEAPONS 

If you chose…

• TEETH: read a book with cult/religion vibes (why are you all like this?)

• FEMUR: Read a book about death/with death themes

• BOOKMARK: Read a book from a series

• RUSTY KNIFE: Read a thriller

• QUESTIONABLE POTION: Read a book from a genre you don't normally read

The end?

After the battle with Charon, you all managed to actually do something right, and steal his boat. Surprisingly, you got to the chalice in time, and Ariadne was overwhelmed with joy to see all of you.

But who is at the door?

None other than that damned Wizard. The High Wizard has appeared, and he won't let you get away with uncovering his plot. It looks like he's been trying to take over the kingdom for quite some time, and get his vengeance against the Graves Coven- Starting with their youngest and brightest witch, Ariadne. 

With a flourish, he waves his wand, and mutters something nonsensical...

And you all vanish.

“Goodbye, Delilah.”

WHO THE FUCK IS DELILAH?

Incoming transmission from...Resurrection Experiment Bot…

...Updating…

Message From: Ariadne

CHECK THE BOOKS NARRATOR! 

WE'RE STUCK iN THE GENRES!

i FOUND SOME FiLES YOU MAY FiND USERFUL. 

YOU HAVE TO GET US OUT OF HERE!