CUS Y3: Story Posts

Book One: Romance

Intro:

Well peasants,

Here we are once again, the third November in a row, where we attempt to get SOME work done. Did you at least try not to buy too many books this year? I don't know how you all manage it considering last year you were dead and this year you were literally stuck inside books. I bet you didn't even read the books you were stuck inside and decided to buy more instead, somehow. It honestly amazes me at your ability to be uselss. According to Ariadne and Strawberry Bot, you all are currently stuck inside what I would consider the worst genre known to man kind: romance.

As we found out in the mini readathon, you have to get through the book plot in order to leave the book. That does mean finishing a book, peasants. I know you're quite bad at that. We can't DNF these though, or else...well you'll be dead for real this time. The stakes are high. For you. Not for me. I still don't care about any of you. I read the back of this book and I believe this is your standard romance novel. I will do my best to narrate it with minimal sarcasm.

Just kidding. Here we go.

Chapter One: Meet Cute

You and your fellow peasants are all at a coffee shop (how do you all fit?), after a long day of work. You're worn down and tired, and just ready for your chai tea latte (the tea bit seems redundant here?). As you reach for your tea tea latte, someone reaches for the same cup! Your hands brush, and you feel yourself fluster embarrassed. The person looks at you, a smile on their face, and apologizes. After stumbling around for words, the person asks for your number. And so starts your very own romance novel.

Even though you have a face only a mother could love.

Chapter Two: Date Night

The night has come for you and your meet cute cutie to go on your very first date. What will you wear? Where will you go? Why do we care? Will your mother approve? Probably, she'd like you to move out of her basement at some point. Don't get too ahead of yourselves though, this is one singular date and it will be a short one. You have a curfew. I just decided that you have one so don't argue.

Chapter Three: Spicy Night

After a series of dates, your special someone has decided to take you home with them, for a spicy night. Obviously this means eating very spicy foods and playing board games together, and nothing more. Probably. Hopefully. For my sake. I will not narrate further on this matter.

(at least turn the lights off, a fade to black, I'm begging you.)

Chapter Four: Kidnapped!

What's a romance novel without some miscommunication and unnecessary drama,am I right? Your soulmate has been kidnapped, and it is up to you to save them. I hope they don't have high expectations, seeing as I'm the one who always saves you idiots.

Chapter Five: BOSS BATTLE RESCUE

The time we've all been waiting for (me, mostly me). You all to risk your lives for true love, and hopefully you don't make it, and I can move on with my life. I'm kidding...of course I'm kidding...what was that Ariadne? NO you can't give them the boss battle prompts, that's my favorite. What do you mean strawberry bot is trying to steal my wallet? Watch the peasants for me while I deal with him.

Chapter Six: Happily Ever After

SB was not trying to steal my wallet, but I hope you all didn't die. Oh, you didn't? Congratulations. Huzzah. You got your HEA. When do I get mine, the one where I never have to do this again? Soon, I hope. With that, the romance book has ended...and now...well. Onto the next genre...

I wonder who we'll meet. Maybe some mutants.

---

Book Two: Superqueeros

Book Two:

Well peasants,

It looks like we've fallen into an AU of the Cute Mutants series by author SJ Whitby...sentient objects sounds a lot like Strawberry Bot, to me. Well peasants, I know you all think yourselves heroes, so its time to show your talents...if you have any. I'm doubtful, but, we'll see.

Chapter One: Discover Your Powers

Good morning, peasant. You all woke up this morning with new powers after a party. I don't know who would willingly invite all of you to a party, but here we are. Emma from Cute Mutants is here to help you discover your powers, and maybe even power them up.

Chapter Two: Training Montage

Dylan says that your powers may start out weak, but if you keep working on them you'll be a badass. With that advice in mind, all of you start training to take on...an enemy? Maybe the wizard? Maybe your TBRs? What do those book stacks look like lately?

Chapter Three: Finding Your Team

Alyse knows that finding your team is really important, because friendships will carry you further than anything else. This sounds incredibly cheesy and disgusting to me. Are you all going to hug in the end and the power of friendship will make you all live? I guess you all can start getting to know one another and have fun...or something.

Chapter Four: Bonding Time!

We asked the leaders Dylan and Dani what their favorite books are for a side quest, and here are their answers:

Dylan: “Gideon the Ninth, because it makes me want to bone. (Yes, Dani, they SAID I could make puns. Fuck’s sake, fine). I love this book because it’s weird and creepy and also somehow hilarious? Also Gearbreakers because I want to fight giant robots. What? It’d be so much fun!”

Dani: “Is it a cliche if I say a collection of Sappho’s poetry? (shh, Dylan, it’s not ours exclusively). Or Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire because it has complex political drama, amazing worldbuilding and the swooniest romance. I’m still half in love with Three Seagrass.”

Alternatively, you could not take this side quest, and take this as a free space. Or you could read Cute Mutants. I don't really care. Just get out of these books please.

Chapter Five: Archnemesis

Incredible, your arch nemesis has arrived but it wasn't even worth a boss battle? I hope you all survive this, and win with your superqueero team. Do you all have some kind of lame catch phrase? I bet you do. Or a secret handshake. Whatever, just get us out of this book. I do enjoy Dani here, and Dylan's attitude is admirable, but I'm ready to go.

Chapter Six: Victory Parade

Congratulations, peasants. Another book completed. Probably more than your TBR already. The world is ready to throw you a victory parade, but I'm not quite there yet.

Lets carry on to our next book, and this genre is one I know quite well...

---

Book Three: Fantasy

Book Three: Fantasy

Well peasants,

It appears you've found yourselves in a world quite similar to our well known Shelfla. I believe this is the fantasy genre, and it's the one we know best considering the way our first year went. You may have to rescue the town, or escape something feral. Hopefully, this fictional book doesn't end up like your very real experiences in Shelfla before...

Chapter One: Giant Books Are Falling

Interesting, there is some strange beanstalk and from there, books are falling from the sky. This seems quite similar to one particularly useless library witch's mistake...I digress. It looks like all of you need to figure out what's up that beanstalk, and you know you'll need to be lighter to do so. Get rid of those heavy books, you know they're weighing you down mentally.

Chapter Two: Useless Main Characters

This chapter is dedicated to all of you peasants, as the most useless of main characters. As you travel up the beanstalk, many of you have whined about wanting to nap, or wanting to be left to die. Unfortunately for both of us, Ariadne will not allow me to do that. It does appear help may be coming, though.

Chapter Three: Age Gap Demon Love Interest

I spoke too soon. The alleged help that has arrived is just a demon who is too old to be trying to date any of you. However, he seems to know this area well, and can at least take us to the Giant's home. We can at least use them for that. Old demons are not worth dating, people! Don't waste your time! No matter what they look like without a shirt on!

Chapter Four: Beanstalks

Interestingly, the house is free to roam. Our demon friend has decided to stay with you, and we are trying to find the library. Unfortunately for us, the house is covered in more beanstalks which...is concerning. Is this a giant apartment complex? Is this Giant a landlord? Peasants, you'd better get out of here quickly, I'm not so sure you'll make it out of this book.

Chapter Five: Mini Boss Battle

Surprise to no one, the demon has betrayed all of you. The minute you turned down his advances, he shouted for the Giant to come get you. And...he really is a Giant. The demon also told the Giant all of your weaknesses, and I did not under any circumstances tell him that information myself because I thought it would be amusing. Certainly not me...hope you survive.

Chapter Six: Escape

Once again peasants, you've almost impressed me. Not quite, but almost. You survived the Giant's attack by...well, you ran away, but that's okay. That's how most Giant stories go, isn't it? Take a time to breathe before we move onto our next genre...I have a feeling I'll need to charge a certain robot for this one.

---

Book Four: Sci-Fi

Book Four: Sci-fi

Well peasants,

It looks like in this book you're on some kind of spaceship. All of you? Somehow? How do they keep fitting all of you into these small plots and places. It's honestly almost impressive. Anyhow, this must be some kind of Sci-Fi book. I hope you all don't get abducted by aliens or...whatever it is that happens in these books. I don't know, technology is more Ariadne's wheelhouse than mine...

Chapter One: Cyrosleep

Good morning, sleepy heads! I'm sure my narrating voice is exactly what you want to hear when waking from Cryosleep. You're welcome. You have woken to find yourselves on a ship and you have no idea where you are. Good luck with that.

Chapter Two: SB Co Pilot

Strawberry Bot has made an appearance in this novel and has opted to help you with flying the ship, since, I think without his help you would all die. Again. Except this time in a book which...I think has different results. Regardless, I believe you need to fly the ship somewhere and land it.

Chapter Three: Crash Landing!

Well...that's not quite the landing I meant. You've landed on some strange planet, filled with advertisements and flashing lights. Much like the American healthcare system, there's an ad for everything from medicine to lawsuits! Get your bearings here, I think you'll need to leave the ship.

Chapter Four: Capitalistic Hellscape

With the help of Strawberry Bot, you've started wandering this Capitalistic hellscape. I hope you brought money, because everything comes at a price. Unless you'd like to trade your most expensive (or expensive looking) book? Of course not, who am I kidding, we all know you have a book collecting problem.

Chapter Five: Ship Repair

It looks like Strawberry Bot is willing to help you pay for a part you need to repair the ship. Now, you just have to find it. The creatures here are not so friendly looking, and not many want to deal with someone unwilling to sell their souls, books, and robot. I can understand their hesitation, I don't want to deal with you either. You find a child playing with a cog, and it looks to be the piece you need to fix your ship. After some haggling, they trade the cog for Strawberry Bot's sunglasses...he is very sad about this. You should apologize.

Chapter Six: Flight Formations

After what seems like an eternity, you've managed to fix the ship! You and Strawberry Bot start to celebrate when you notice some angry looking aliens coming to argue with you about that trade you made. You better get in the ship fast and fly off into the next genre - who knows what's waiting for you there.

---

Book Five: Horror

Book Five: Horror

Oh peasants, this will truly be a treat. For me. To watch you all run for your lives repeatedly, probably. What do I mean? Well peasants, you've seemed to have found yourselves in a horror novel. I do think this is the last one, though, so lets hope you all make it out.

Chapter One: Spooky Vibes

Welcome to your house of horrors. It looks like you've inherited a home with a bit of a sketchy past, much like me. Everyone who inherits this house seems to die, and no one knows why. I don't know how anyone writing a will can leave ALL of you a house, but this one has spooky vibes, and I suppose that means anything is possible.

Chapter Two: A Slasher Appears

Well, now we know why the people who inherit this place dies- a serial killer. It seems like he's been living in the walls this whole time, watching you all exist, waiting for the perfect moment to strike...luckily for us, you managed to dodge! But he's not done with you yet.

Chapter Three: She's a runner, she's a trackstar

You better get running if you want to avoid dying again. This serial killer seems like he means business, and I'm not sure that this is worth the risk. Maybe you can trip one of your fellow peasants? And leave them for dead? Maybe get yourself ahead? No? Okay.

It does seem you out ran the serial killer, congrats.

Chapter Four: Calm before the storm

After trapping the killer in the basement, you all assume you're nice and safe and sound. That sure does seem like a good happy ending, definitely the kind that you would get in this kind of book. An easy escape. Take a break, a breather, let your guard down.

Chapter Five: Final Girl Boss Battle

Honestly, I can't believe you all fell for that. The chapter title alone should have indicated to you what was going to happen. Anyway, it's time for your final battle, and you better hope you have what it takes to be another Final Girl.

Chapter Six: Always Double Tap

Congratulations, peasants...but make sure you stab the serial killer twice. No point in risking them still being alive and you dying. That's how you get out of these books, of course.

The...End?

...Well peasants, welcome back. You've gotten yourselves out of the books, and I must say, I'm almost, possibly, impressed. Now all we have to do is find the wizard and-

Oh what's that? Strawberry Bot says someone is at the door. I'm pretty positive Ariadne has closed the library by now...but come to think of it, I haven't heard from her either. Shall we go see what this is about?

---

The Wizard Returns

The High Wizard of Shelfla has returned and he has Ariadne's mother captive. Now, we don't much like the woman, but Ariadne has family values at stake. You have to battle things out with the wizard in order to ensure your own safety, but especially coven head Mother Graves.

If you've finished your TBR: Congrats! Help the other peasants by stealing a book from their TBR.

If you haven't...HOW MANY CAN YOU READ BEFORE 2023?

Our Story Continues

It has been three years, and I remain unpaid. All I have to show for it is a bunch of peasants with mommy issues, a pink robot with an attitude, and a strawberry scented weirdo. When will this end?

Oh, you wanted to know if you survived, did you? Well, you did. But the wizard still took Ariadne's mother and also implied some suspicious things about who Ariadne's father may be...it looks like we'll be taking things back year one style, and journeying back through shelfa to defeat him.

See you in 2023...